I’m having one of those days when i long for someone to remind me how special i am. That i matter. That my existence is important and to not only appreciate myself but remember that i do have an impact on this world and hopefully bring some good to it.   I’d like to say i try to bring good into the world everyday but the honest truth is lately i don’t think I’m cutting the grade. Doing what feels to me as the bare minimum even though i still try to go above and beyond for the kids.  The housework is waiting but i just cannot bring myself to do anything about it. Clothes need folding and toys needs tidying. But whats the point? I’ll do it and it’ll just need doing again tomorrow and the next day. The never-ending cycle of chores that come with having a house and family. Its bugging me that I’m not giving my all but as i sit here and contemplate why I’m not giving my all the simple answer is that right now this is more important. I need this time and space to try to reassemble all the lost pieces of myself, for without them I’m only functioning as half a human.  For a brief while i felt hole, at the beginning of the year but events beyond my control shattered that shell and now once again i am here trying to gather the pieces.  I’m sad and needy and i hate that. I hate that i hate being sad and needy. Why is it that i accept most of my other emotions and allow them to pass but i fight this one? is it a pride thing? does it make me less of a person to be sad and needy?  it feel like it does.

The Song All Of Me  by John Legend came on the radio today and i wonder what it would be like to be loved in such an unconditional way. Could it be possible? or is love like the song describes the stuff of fairy tales? even if we did manage to find it would we be too scared to believe it?, destroying the one thing we all long for.

As you can see I’m in a melancholy mood today and it’s left me wondering why is it that the person i would so dearly like to tell me i am special is indifferent to me, incapable of telling me for one reason or another. Then i came across this poem and it struck a nerve with me…

Why then am i seeking his approval?  I remember a time when i was strong. Strong in myself and in who i was. I valued me but now i don’t know where that part of me has gone. I know she’s in here somewhere, maybe if i peel away the layers of myself i will find her nestled safely deep within. I guess i will have to keep plodding on till i do.

I love the reassurance that next poem brings me. Especially the last verse, i shall try to remember it on days like these. It reassure’s me that maybe there is hope yet. That no matter how broken we feel, there is still beauty to be found within.  That for me is a very comforting thought indeed.