Month: November 2014

I’ll always have me
by

I’ll always have me

m151be-yourself-unknown-posters

I was out today with friends to see a show and lose myself in the vibrancy of the life around me. It worked. Whilst watching the wonderful actors and actresses singing and dancing I caught myself having a moment. One of those moments that rings through your soul and grounds you so that you feel temporally at peace with everything.  I love those moments.  I was reminded of myself today, of how I used to be.  Like those wonderful characters I too was full of vibrancy and life.  It may have been a while since I have seen that side of myself but my inner bell rang and reminded me that I am still there – or rather I am still here! I am still that person and I realised that I liked “me”.  ….so, I will try to cast off the layers of darkness that have enveloped me over the last decade and break free like the sun does through a cloud.   I can feel myself bubbling below the surface and I know my strength is growing. Its is a wonderful thought and feeling to know that at the end the of the day I will always have ‘me’.  I can rely on ‘me’. I am always there for myself and I  know more and more who I am and what makes me ‘me’.  I like it. There is no one else in the would like me and that’s pretty special.

So basically I am here today to tell you that however alone you think or feel you are, please remember that you are not. You will always have yourself for company, for strength, for love, for compassion and sympathy. So talk to yourself, I know I do. Get to know yourself and be your own best friend for there is no one else in the world that will know you like you do. No one else in the world who will always be there for you. You are your own strength so take care of yourself. Be nice to yourself and look after yourself like you would a beautiful garden. Then you can watch yourself grow and blossom and shine your light to brighten the rest of the world.

I hope you’re all having a good day, and I hope you’re all chatting away to the inner you inside you. You get lonely too, so keep yourself company and remember to say something nice to yourself, You will thank yourself for it . If you ever lose your way remember you’re not lost.  You’re still in there somewhere – you might just be really good at hiding!. So as the blog says, never give up on yourself.

wpid-img_33386636300615

It will catch you when you’re not looking
by

It will catch you when you’re not looking

Happinee_Quotes_Happiness_is_a_butterfly_Nathaniel_Hawthorne_ok_2

I’ve had a good day today! ( time to do a happy dance like a bee shaking its bum when it finds a wonderful source of pollen!).  I hope I’ve shaken off the melancholy cloak I’ve been wearing for the last few days. I feel lighter and freer for it so fingers crossed the days ahead are brighter.

Its been a busy day but has involved all the essential elements of happiness for me. Seeing the people I love and who love me, having some fun and being a little bit cheeky (plus flirty) and being silly with the kids in a giant bouncy castle obstacle course!  I didn’t expect the day to go so well when I woke up but I immersed myself in my activities and therein found some joy – or rather it found me. Like the saying says, if you stop trying to chase happiness it’ll appear in your life and surprise you.

I hope you’ve all found some joy in today, and if not, if you’re having a dark day remember that tomorrow is a new day and anything can happen.  Just be gentle with yourself and take one step at a time.

Much love

Z

by

Never forget how special you are..

IMG_0783

I’m having one of those days when i long for someone to remind me how special i am. That i matter. That my existence is important and to not only appreciate myself but remember that i do have an impact on this world and hopefully bring some good to it.   I’d like to say i try to bring good into the world everyday but the honest truth is lately i don’t think I’m cutting the grade. Doing what feels to me as the bare minimum even though i still try to go above and beyond for the kids.  The housework is waiting but i just cannot bring myself to do anything about it. Clothes need folding and toys needs tidying. But whats the point? I’ll do it and it’ll just need doing again tomorrow and the next day. The never-ending cycle of chores that come with having a house and family. Its bugging me that I’m not giving my all but as i sit here and contemplate why I’m not giving my all the simple answer is that right now this is more important. I need this time and space to try to reassemble all the lost pieces of myself, for without them I’m only functioning as half a human.  For a brief while i felt hole, at the beginning of the year but events beyond my control shattered that shell and now once again i am here trying to gather the pieces.  I’m sad and needy and i hate that. I hate that i hate being sad and needy. Why is it that i accept most of my other emotions and allow them to pass but i fight this one? is it a pride thing? does it make me less of a person to be sad and needy?  it feel like it does.

The Song All Of Me  by John Legend came on the radio today and i wonder what it would be like to be loved in such an unconditional way. Could it be possible? or is love like the song describes the stuff of fairy tales? even if we did manage to find it would we be too scared to believe it?, destroying the one thing we all long for.

As you can see I’m in a melancholy mood today and it’s left me wondering why is it that the person i would so dearly like to tell me i am special is indifferent to me, incapable of telling me for one reason or another. Then i came across this poem and it struck a nerve with me…

a113119b3cb554756bb6abeec5070c90

Why then am i seeking his approval?  I remember a time when i was strong. Strong in myself and in who i was. I valued me but now i don’t know where that part of me has gone. I know she’s in here somewhere, maybe if i peel away the layers of myself i will find her nestled safely deep within. I guess i will have to keep plodding on till i do.

I love the reassurance that next poem brings me. Especially the last verse, i shall try to remember it on days like these. It reassure’s me that maybe there is hope yet. That no matter how broken we feel, there is still beauty to be found within.  That for me is a very comforting thought indeed.

c14e2869829509d836afe518d1bfee67

by

Where’s my fairy godmother when i need her???

Well its another new day.. yippeeee do da! can you hear the sarcasm? It’s gonna be a long day. My other miniature human now has the vomiting bug so i’ve had about three hours sleep, a poorly child and a very active bored toddler. Yep, one of those days where i wish i could clone myself or had more hands to help. How does everyone seem to manage these juggling acts so well when i seem to struggle. Husband swans off to work with a little skip in his step and today i don’t blame him. I think this house needs that little old lady from the film poltergeist to come in, clean it  (what with all the bugs and stuff we constantly acquire) then say in her little old shaky voice “this house is clean!”.   Am i doing something wrong here? is it our diet (highly likely! as the kids refuse anything remotely veg like!) or is it down to a stressed household. An unhappy mum who on the surface appears relatively normal but who is actually miserably drowning below. So far this year one of us has had bronchitis, one of us has broken a leg and had pins put in to stabilise it, one of us has had an ear infection, burst ear drum and grommets, one of us has had an operation on their private parts to fix a kink, one of us is constantly on antidepressants (guess who!) and another on medication to help bad reflux. Even the dog has needed stitches for a burst cyst plus the cone of shame to wrestle with.  Its been a hell of a year and that’s just the tip of the iceberg. Under all that is the constant pain that my marriage is failing, that my husband and i are drifting apart and have become strangers to each other.  There is more going on than I’m letting on, but i don’t feel comfortable revealing anymore than the above. Maybe i’m in denial? no, i think not. I know what the situation is and frankly it sucks big time.  So naturally as a result of all this turmoil and unease we are all feeling a bit delicate.  So today, for me will be about the simple things. Survival firstly with the odd burst of colour thrown in to lift up all our moods. I’ve just finished making a batch of play dough for little miss poorly (is there a mr men character who is always sick? i’ll have to google that and see… i wonder what the character will look like!) Anyway, she requested all the colours of the rainbow and it was quite therapeutic kneading a tonne of dough into shape. She is now a bit happier playing with dough and little mr active has gone down for a nap. Hence why i’m able to jump on here and vent a little. But alas i think my time is almost up. The washing machine calls and little miss would like me to go see her marvellous dough creations. I’m thinking  that when i next get the time i will compile a list of powerful thoughts and quotes i can refer to in time such as these. I’m always making notes from any lines of films/books that touch a nerve with me so maybe i’ll add those to this site so you all can see them if you need a little lift too.

Till next time. Try to stand up straight and keep your head above water.

Z xx

by

Hello there!

Well this is my very first attempt at this kind of thing. I clearly have no idea as to what i am doing since it has taken me ages to get this far… i was almost about to give up but then my little mantra of “don’t give up!‘ was shouted in the back of my head. Does anyone else have that little voice who whispers things inside your head? or is it just me?!  It’s not always a complementary voice and it doesn’t always say helpful things! ….and how is it that THAT voice can be so quiet yet so persistent?  no amount of loud music can drown it out.  It’s a good thing really since i think that voice is the thing that keeps me going on the really bad days. It can be quite humorous and witty when it wants to be which often brings a smile to my face. Without sounding all doom and gloom (because generally i try not to be) there have been a fair few bad days of late but i’m not here to moan to the world about all my problems (or am I?) i’m not quite sure yet why i am here. The only thing i know is that i’ve been thinking about starting to write again more and more lately untill i found myself creating this site today. It’s all a process. One step at a time. Believe me that is my maximum speed these days. It is impossible to get anything done in my house or concentrate with a heard of small beings creating havoc or demanding some kind of attention. How do you people find the time to write these blogs everyday???? and here i am just getting in my swing and my darling little six year old has informed me it must be dinner time soon and what are we having? guess that’s my que to either hunt in the back of the fridge for leftovers or create some magical meal out of thin air (since i haven’t gone shopping in a couple days owed to my other miniature human having a vomiting bug).

Wish me luck. Hopefully i’ll get a chance to write more later.